My whole life was suddenly gone

So many of us have been going through such hard times, that I thought it might help others if I shared my experiences and what the Lord taught me when I first began to go through a very hard time myself after being saved. I hope my experience and more importantly, what the Lord taught me then, will help someone else.

When I was first diagnosed and told I couldn't work anymore, I was devastated. My whole life was suddenly gone. What made it worse for me too was that out of 5 kids, they had all grown up and I only had the last one still at home and she was just about ready to fly on her own. So I was dealing with that empty nest syndrome too.

I quickly discovered that I had defined myself by what I did: being a mom, working every day in health care and being the best in my field, taking karate and going for my black belt, being active at church, etc. The Lord quickly showed me that these things weren't "me". Took me a long time to buy it though . I felt like I was totally useless and might as well be dead. I was no good to anyone, so I thought. I wasn't needed as a "Mom" anymore; I couldn't do my job, in fact, I was more like my patients then like the aide I was, so that part of me was now dead too. I couldn't do karate anymore, which for me had been great fun. I never laughed so much or had such a good time doing anything as I did there, and I was pretty good at it too and now I couldn't do any of it. It felt like all the joy was gone from my life. I still had church, but found that I was either in so much pain that it made concentrating hard, or if I took my medicine, I was nodding off during the sermon which was really embarrassing.

I really wanted to work though, at something...anything! There was just no way we could pay our bills with only one paycheck coming in. My job was not only fulfilling to me, it was necessary as it helped considerably to pay the bills. Without my check, it couldn't be done. (or so I thought anyway) I was scared to death! We didn't have much, but I sure didn't want to lose what little we did have and I most certainly didn't want to have to live on the streets and that's exactly where I thought we were heading.

But, The Lord Himself told me He didn't want me working! I still tried a bunch of times though because I had to have that pay check & I needed to "do" something. Every time I tried to work though, I failed. The doctor was right...I simply wasn't able to work anymore.

Slowly all my so called friends dropped out of my life, so I didn't have anyone to talk to either. Their lives were simply much to busy to bother with me much anymore. Slowly, the Lord spoke to me and I came to realize that who I am in Christ was much more important then who I was in the world. The Lord pointed out to me that no matter how much pain I was in there was still two things I could do and do well: Pray and teach Bible Studies.

So I joined my churches prayer team and the emergency prayer chain. I made lists of people I knew that I could pray for every day and began to do just that. LOL My list was humongous LOL; As I saturated myself in the Bible and prayer I began to feel better about me and about life. Oh I was still depressed, (I'm very stubborn LOL) but it was getting better.

I still kept trying to find a job I could do though, with no success. I was very lonely. Then one day I decided I was just going to go to every place in town that listed a job opening and apply for them regardless of what the job was. And that's exactly what I did. I got hired!!! I couldn't believe it! It was at a garage of all places too LOL So the guy hired me, takes me in his office to discuss pay and exactly what I'd be doing etc. He told me I'd be working at the counter. I asked him if there was a stool or something I could sit on and he said "No". Well, I knew there was just no way I could stand up for even an hour much less for 8 hours straight. Even if I wasn't doing anything else at all, I'd be in the emergency room before my first day was a third of the way over! He was still talking to me about what all my job would entail and now was saying that he'd pay me even more then he'd said in the ad.

But all I could hear in my head was this kind of "dead silence" of disapproval. It wasn't a "mean" silence; in fact it felt kind of sad. I knew it was the Lord. I also knew that I had to make a choice. Right then and there. It couldn't be put off anymore. I was either going to disobey the Lord and take this job (which would probably also be letting down this really nice guy because I knew I really wouldn't be able to do the job no matter how hard I tried to) Or, I was going to obey Him and tell this man that I couldn't take the job after all. (talk about humiliating!) Faced with that choice, now that it was "real and physical" instead of just a thought in my head, it only took a second to choose.

The man was still talking while this all went on in my head, and I suddenly burst into tears. I'm not talking about crying a little bit. I was sobbing like it was the end of the world. (well, to me it was the end of my world). That nice man came over and put his arm around me, handing me some Kleenex and told me "It's going to be OK". I knew something was bothering you, so you just let it all out and then you can tell me about it". Of course, that just made me cry harder Poor guy! When I could talk, I explained to him that I'd been hurt at work and that I really couldn't work anymore but I really wanted to, even though the Lord had told me He didn't want me to either. And that when he'd been talking, I knew that I had to choose whether or not to obey the Lord or to try and do the job anyway, even though I knew there was no way I could stand up that long etc. He just nodded as though there was nothing at all unusual in what I'd said and encouraged me to continue, so I told him that I chosen to obey the Lord. And that the Lord had also shown me that if I'd tried to do the job, I'd only have hurt him (the man I was talking to) because I wouldn't be able to do the job.

I don't remember what all the man said after that, except that he was very kind and obviously seemed to be on familiar terms with the Lord himself. I left there and went home and confessed my sin of continuing to try to work to the Lord. Had a nice long talk with Him then, confessing my fears that we wouldn't be able to pay our bills and that we'd have no place to live etc.

So you can understand just how completely devastating this money issue was to me, let me just say that I had lost everything I own, except for the clothes on my back and the clothes my children were wearing 3 times in my life. And I really do mean "everything". That happened quite a bit in my past, but more recently, about 4 years before I got hurt, I had again lost my home although that time I'd at least managed to keep most of my belongings. Each time it had been due to bad financial decisions and poor work habits on the part of my ex husband. Since the last time about 4 years earlier, since I was saved then, I decided to handle my money God's Way according to His Word. Losing everything each time did teach me that "things" aren't so important, but at the same time, security became very important to me, including "financial security".

So I confessed all of this to the Lord that day and had another good old fashioned cry on His shoulder.

As you can see, I was in pretty bad shape emotionally and felt very stressed out, depressed and confused. God said "don't work" but how were we supposed to pay the bills??? This is when the Lord began to teach me some very important and very basic lessons about just who was really in charge of this world, of me and of my life. First He showed me who I really was and it had nothing to do with being a mother, a wife, a good worker, karate, or anything else in my life. It had to do with Him.

As He showed me who I really was now that I was saved, I began to feel much better. He showed me many scriptures about this and I read them every day, sometimes several times a day, just letting them soak into my mind, my heart and my spirit until they became a part of me.
If you look back on what I said that I was focusing on as the things that defined myself, I'm sure you'll say that's pretty normal. Look at what I discovered though, keeping in mind that everything that's being said here also includes our finances--actually it includes every aspect of our lives: 

I hear people who seem to think that upon becoming a Christian their lives should have suddenly gotten "better", that they shouldn't have to deal with the regular every day problems, and trials like they were before. So their "faith" weakens because they assume that Jesus isn't "doing anything". The false teachers that preach the prosperity gospel and the so called healing ministries that tell people that if you become a Christian that God will heal your body and mind and you won't have health problems anymore, only make this problem worse, because they're not only teaching lies, they're telling people that it's all about them, and it's not. It's about Him. When we become saved, we don't suddenly embark on a life of recreation and ease; a life of just happiness; no, when we sign up to be a Christian, we are signing up to be soldiers in a war! The last time I checked, most soldiers in a war zone, wouldn't consider their lives as lives of recreation and ease!

This is also very true of many people who live with pain, like me, or people who deal with chronic depression. (which many people who live with pain battle with as well.) The temptation is to make your life all about you, and as believers, we can not do that! It must be about God and about others! As humans tainted with sin, it's practically beat into us by the world to focus on ourselves. You hear it all the time out in the world: "take care of yourself" "take care of #1" along with the nice sounding line that if you don't take care of yourself, that you can't help others. But with God it doesn't work that way. He never tells us to to take care of ourselves first. He says just the opposite. He says that we are to make Him number 1 in our lives and all others should be number 2, with ourselves coming in last. Often because we are so indoctrinated with the worldview that we should put ourselves first, we just don't stop to think about if that's scriptural or not.

I think that this was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn, as it's so much the opposite of what the world teaches, and it pervades everything! Think about it: the biggest thing that pervades worldly thinking has to do with what the world calls "self esteem". That's the basis of where they get that doctrine of "take care of yourself, put yourself first" etc. That core teaching is the core of just about everything else taught in this world and it grabs Christians too without them even knowing it's wrong. They even try to use the bible to teach it. How many people do you know that honestly think that the bible says, "God helps those that help themselves"? The vast majority of people think that's in the bible! But it's not! The bible teaches the opposite of that! God's Word says that we are not to rely on ourselves, but rather that we are to rely on Him!

 

 A Biblical View of Self-Esteem
An Explanation of Key Verses

Definitions from Webster's Unabridged Dictionary

 Self-Esteem: Undo PRIDE in oneself

Pride: Overhigh opinion of oneself; conceit

Humility: Absence of PRIDE or self-assertion 

 

The attached Bible verse explanations detail how God views us and how we should view ourselves. Taken in proper context, the attached Biblical references clearly indicate that there is no Biblical basis for self-esteem, self-love, self-acceptance, self-confidence, self-forgiveness, self-assertion, "proper" self-image, self-actualization, or any of the other selfisms advocated by the worldly system of psychology. The Bible's answer for our emotional "problems": turn from self to Christ (and His all-sufficient Word).

 

 When you're up to it, have a look at that thread that these posts are in and check out the scriptures too. It's very eye opening!  Biblical Self-Esteem

 

This then was what the Lord began to teach me, drawing on my past experiences to show me His Truth in action and how it worked. I began to understand not only who I was, but who He was! I'd always thought I knew who He was and had often heard and said myself that "God is in control". Now I realized that I really hadn't believed it at all. I realized that much of what I thought I believed was only head knowledge and not heart knowledge. God is so good to us though because before I could let that start getting to me, He quickly showed me how to make it heart knowledge. I also realized that I was beginning to understand a lot more about sin as well. I mean, we all know about the 10 commandments, and I'd known of the sin of pride and a few of the other self sins as well, such as self righteousness etc. but now I was learning there were many other attitudes that were sinful and that I practiced all of them! Some of the self sins He showed me were: self sufficiencey, pride, being judgmental, self righteousness, self savior (this was a BIG one for me as I was always thinking that I could fix any problem all by myself and that no one could do it better then I could etc.); being self centered instead of God centered; self justification; being self reliant instead of relying on God; self indulgent; self serving; self seeking; ‎self-interest; and self realization which says: I have the right to claim to my life for myself (instead of knowing that my life belongs to God). I'm sure you can see how they all kind of go hand in hand and one often leads to another or morphs into another. Boy did I have a LOT to work on! Again though the Lord quickly reminded me that I was already forgiven and that this was just another step toward growing in Christ; we'd take it one day at a time.

Now, I'm condensing my learning experience for the sake of getting this all across without making it longer then necessary. The Lord didn't show me all of this on one day, or even one week. Especially not the sins. He only showed me one of those at a time and when I'd gotten that one under control, He'd show me another etc. And He always showed me how to deal with the particular sin He'd shown me too. I'm only listing some of them here for you to give you an idea of what He was showing me.

Remember though that He was showing me all of this for two purposes. First to teach me who I was in Him and second to teach me who He was and by doing that, show me that He would take care of my finances, my home, my car, my husband, my children, the cats, and of course of me. He was teaching me to truly know Him and as I began to know Him better, I began to trust Him more. The more I trusted Him, the less anxiety and fear I had. That's putting it all in a nutshell of course and there's much more to it. But I need to post this now before it really does become a book.

 

Part 2

 

I know I've talked about a lot of this in many of the other studies we've done here over the years so this is kind of showing how it all started; or how I first began to learn about these things. Like anything else we learn, the Lord would first show me the basics of that thing and then work with me on building my knowledge. When He thought I was ready, He would then help me take that head knowledge and turn it into heart knowledge. That's the hard part and I've found that often that's what His tests are all about. Head knowledge doesn't really help us that much, although it's a necessary first step. But when we take that knowledge and turn it into heart knowledge, then, then it makes a big difference in our lives.

Sometimes I don't like the word "test" to describe what the Lord does, but I can't think of anything else to use to explain it. It is very much like a test. The problem with that is that for many people the word "test" has some very negative connotations to them. What I want everyone to know is that the Lord doesn't test us because we've been "bad" or disobedient. When we're being disobedient and won't pay attention to His attempts to get us back where we belong, then He will discipline us, but that is entirely different from when He gives us these tests. Discipline is for when we misbehave or are disobedient. The tests are to increase our faith and as I said, to take our knowledge and turn it into heart knowledge so that it changes our lives and how we relate to this life, other people and even ourselves and of course with Him too.

So tests are not a bad thing; although we often perceive them as such. But then as I recall from when I was in school, I didn't much care for the tests then either lol So it's really no different.

How can you tell if you're being tested or being disciplined? Well, that's really pretty easy. If you're being disciplined, then you haven't been being obedient to God and we generally know when we haven't been. As for tests, I've noticed that with many of the tests I've been through, it's been very obvious, because the test will obviously involve material that I've just been studying with Him about. So, for example, when I was studying about how we're to trust God and rely on Him for everything and that fear and worry are sins; that He is our provider and will take care of us etc and suddenly the bottom falls out in our lives and Bruce is laid off work... Well it didn't take a genius to figure out that it was a test.

Or, when I was studying about love and forgiveness and our relationships with others and suddenly opportunities were present in my life where I needed to forgive; where I needed to love, to humble myself and put others wants and needs ahead of my own. Again, it didn't take much thought to realize that it was a test.

Sometimes God will also test us on things we've studied with Him in the past too, but I've noticed that He always does a quick review at least before He gives the test. And He gives all kinds of different tests, just like our teachers in school used to. It might be a quick pop quiz, or a regular scheduled test, or a dreaded semester exam. It all depends on what He knows you need to grow.

When we took tests in school, the teacher always graded us and we either passed, or failed, and if we passed, we either barely squeezed by, or did average or did really well and passed with flying colors. The bad part of our tests in school was that we often couldn't retake them if we didn't do well, so they affected our grade for the year. With the Lord though, that's not true. You WILL pass the test, no matter how many times He has to give it to you or how long it takes. It's pretty much up to you how long it takes because it's up to you how much you study and apply God's Word to your life. So if you're stuck in a test and you want out, the only way to do it is to study hard and apply what you learn.

How do I know that the Lord will get us through these tests and teach us? Because His Word says so.

Romans 14:4 (NIV) — 4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

If this is true, then why are there Christians who are still so worldly? It's hard to speak in generalities, but there are several possible reasons. First, they may not be saved; Second, if they are saved, then they have chosen to be disobedient and remain that way. While God will make His children stand firm, He only does that for those children who are willing to be obedient to Him. Those who choose disobedience are disciplined but if they continue to to disobey Him and ignore the leading of the Holy Spirit, eventually they will have hardened their hearts to the point where they won't be able to hear the Holy Spirit even if they suddenly decided they wanted to. God won't force us to obey Him or to do His Will even after we're saved. What He will do once we are saved, is constantly draw us toward a deeper relationship with Him and a deeper understanding of His Word and knowledge of His Will. It's till up to us however. Even after we're saved, we can turn away from Him. It will not affect our salvation, as we will still be saved, but it will affect whether or not He will be pleased with us or ashamed of us; it will affect our standing in eternity and what we will do during eternity in Heaven. He certainly is not going to have stubborn, spoiled children in charge of anything or doing anything with any importance at all! Some people don't care what they'll be doing in heaven and say it doesn't matter, but our Lord cares about what we'll be doing and has great and wondrous plans for our future there, and a great many gifts (rewards) for us too. If we refuse to listen to Him now and obey Him now though, we will lose all of that and more importantly, He will be ashamed of us, and we will be ashamed of ourselves.

1 John 2:28 (NIV) — 28 And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming.

Hebrews 3:13 (NIV) — 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

2 Timothy 2:15 (NIV) — 15 Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.

Thankfully, if we don't wait too long, we can always turn from being disobedient and decide to obey Him. The reason i say "if we don't wait too long" is because we don't know when our life will be over, we could die in the next moment; and we don't know when the rapture will happen--it could occur at any second; and lastly, we have no way of knowing just how far we've tried his patience and when we will have passed that point of no return. So it's obviously much better for us to be obedient right away and not take any chances. I guess you could look at it like the child who refuses to do any work of their school work. It's not because they're stupid or incapable of doing the work, they could do it, but they just don't want to and they're stubborn, so they don't. (one of my kids tried that!) The school and teachers try all they can to get this child to do what needs doing, but when everything's been tried and nothing else can be done, there comes a point where it's time to give up and leave the child to the consequences of their decision, hoping that eventually those consequences will teach them a lesson and they'll start to cooperate. That's pretty much what Paul is talking about when he says to turn that man over to Satan:

1 Corinthians 5:5 (NIV) — 5 hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.

And that's pretty much what happens with those who are saved but refuse to leave their worldly life behind and grow in Christ.